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February 5, 1999
- the information below pertains to [full postal address], [phone number]
- the premises are let for a period of [number] months, from [date] to [date]
- it may be possible to remain here after that time on a week-by-week basis
- total bond paid was [amount]
- the house has both fixed and variable bills
- variable bills come from gas, electricity, telephone and internet charges
- shower (poor continuity, too hot, etc..)
- toilet seat (broken, and not secured)
- floorboards in kitchen doorway are lifting and damaged
- intercom does not work and whines loudly
These are being addressed, slowly but surely..
Various bits around the house are communal. These are things like:
- toilet paper
- milk, bread, butter, sauces, spreads, salt, pepper
- coffee, tea, sugar
- cooking oil, flour
- rolling tobacco, papers, lighters
- foil, clingwrap
- dishwashing liquid, sponges and scrapers
- washing powder, bathroom cleaner and other cleaning products
To ensure a constant supply of everything, simply replace whatever it is you use the last of.
Unfortunately, these don't go away, so once in a while, everyone needs to do a little bit. They currently consist of:
- washing up
- wiping down surfaces
- cleaning the bathroom
- vacuuming the carpet
- mopping the kitchen floor
- collecting ones' possessions from around the house
- The hot tap in the shower needs to be turned justed a little; the cold not too much more.
- The front door cannot be operated without a key.
- The windows should be left open a little, to provide ventilation.
- Please leave the toilet seat UP, for the pleasure of male tenants. If you see it down, piss on it. This will encourage the offender to recant.
- If you finish a toilet roll, do not replace the roll, and always leave the cardboard behind.
- Overfill the rubbish whenever possible, as it reduces the number of bags that need to be left for days near the door.
- Ensure you leave copious quantities of food (preferably in an advanced state of decay) lying at multiple strategic locations around the house, so as to make it simpler for vermin to multiply.
- Food can also be left on or in dishes, which are then piled in the sink for Later.
- Do not attempt to leave common areas tidy. Your stuff is best left lying around; someone else will eventually throw it away for you.
- If washing your clothes, don't forget to leave them to rot in the washer for a while. This is an excellent water-conservation measure, as it prevents the washer from being used by another tenant.
Following these simple instructions for being cool, as we know them, will ensure your stay is fair, happy, and long-fucking-term. :)